HONOR BLACKMAN'S BOOK OF SELF-DEFENSE 1965

“Honor Blackman’s Book of Self Defense”, 1965

         

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Via La 

RITA HAYWORTH - 1940

Bicycle ride and picnic with Rita Hayworth, 1940

        

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Images by Peter Stackpole

GAME OF THRONES - WEEK 6

Last night's episode of Game of Thrones had so many "oh shit" moments it was almost too stressful to watch — like when you're in an airplane and it suddenly drops a few hundred feet in a few seconds. Everybody's suspended over the abyss, with a few threadbare ropes keeping them aloft.

And last night, we saw the shape of that abyss. When the illusion of control drops away, and you realize that there are some wild creatures you can't domesticate and some people you can't just push around, then you're lost. Spoilers ahead...

It seems like almost every episode of Game of Thrones has one speech that lays out some food for thought that touches every other part of the episode — although, to its credit, this show is always subtle rather than bludgeony about it.

Last night, the honor belonged to Qhorin Halfhand, the legendary Ranger who has spent more time North of the Wall than anyone, and knows these mysterious Wildlings. Talking to Jon Snow about his wandering direwolf Ghost, Qhorin says, "You can't tame a wild thing. You can't trust a wild thing... Wild creatures have their own rules, their own reasons, and you'll never know them." This applies to the Wildlings as well as to Ghost — and it definitely applies to Ygritte, the improbably well-groomed girl that Jon Snow takes prisoner later in the episode.

Jon Snow is a lot more merciful and kind than most of the other characters on this show — he refuses to behead Ygritte, pretty soon after we've just seen Theon beheading the poor doomed Ser Rodrik Cassel. (Of course, Ygritte is a bit more attractive than poor old Ser Rodrik.)

But when he chooses to let Ygritte live, Jon Snow is basically taking responsibility for her, and he's clearly not going to be able to handle it. Qhorin tries to warn Jon a few different ways, including that speech about how he can't really understand or control wild creatures like Ygritte or Ghost, and then again, Qhorin makes Ygritte come out and say it — if the positions were reversed, a quick death would be a rare mercy, coming from the Wildlings.

And then Qhorin takes the other Rangers and wanders off, leaving Jon Snow to kill her — or not — in privacy. Because Qhorin's giving Jon Snow the choice between doing his duty and letting sentiment get the best of him. (And we can only hope Jon's choice doesn't doom all of his comrades.)

And Ygritte is clearly more than a match for Jon, who's such a horny virgin that he is completely flustered when she rubs herself against him as they spoon together. His attempt at tying her up would get him thrown out of the Boy Scouts forever. He lets her escape once, and we're not left in much doubt that she'll be doing it again soon.

And that's kind of the thread of this episode — people trying to assert control over things, or creatures, that they can't possibly maintain a hold over.

Prince Theon and the problem of Osha compliance

Sorry, couldn't resist.

So this episode clearly sets up a couple parallels between Jon Snow and Theon Greyjoy, the two illegitimate sons of Ned Stark. (One is Ned's bastard, the other was Ned's ward.) And as we mentioned earlier, they both face a situation where an older "mentor" character is urging them to behead someone, except that they make different choices.

Theon's takeover of Winterfell happens amazingly fast this episode, so it's as much of a shock to us as it is to poor young Bran Stark, who awakens to find his castle in the hands of his former friend. The look on Bran's face when he looks up at Theon and says "Did you hate us the whole time?" is heart-crushing.

Because of course, Theon didn't hate the Starks — he just has to be his own man now. His own man, who will do whatever Dagmer Cleftjaw tells him.

And at the cost of horrifying all his old friends and comrades, and beheading the man who taught him to hold a sword, Theon gets to be the lord of an empty, frozen castle in the middle of nowhere. Winterfell doesn't really mean much without the loyalty of its people. So instead, Theon has to swagger around, telling people to call him Prince and trying to beat loyalty into the people there.

These aren't wildlings, like Ygritte. But they are Northerners, and they're not happy about bowing to some foreign upstart whose snot-nosed face they're used to seeing skulk around the castle.

And then there's Osha, who is an actual wildling, and who fakes that she's like Ygritte, totally wild and with loyalty to nobody. She tries to trick Theon twice, and only succeeds the second time. The first time, she offers to fight for him, the second time to sleep with him. It works better the second time partly because Theon is horny (another parallel between him and Jon Snow) but also because he believes Osha when she says she wants her freedom. She claims she just wants to run wild, like Ygritte and the other Wildlings.

In fact, Osha has noplace to go and nobody to go back to. She doesn't want her freedom, she wants to rescue Bran and his little brother Rickon, so after she seduces Prince Theon, she murders one of his guards and steals the boys out of there, along with Hodor and the two direwolves. (And it's sort of a shame she doesn't manage to cut Theon's throat while she's at it.)

Robb Stark wants what he can't have

Robb Stark is busy making a move on Lady Talisa, the hot amputator he made a move on a while ago, including finding out all about her possibly noble parentage back home in Volantis. He clearly wants her because she's the only person who will stand up to him, and who isn't part of his world of honor and duty and allegiance.

He wants her because she challenges him and questions him. And because she's someome he can't control and boss around, in other words.

(Oh, and she's Charlie Chaplin's granddaughter. That's a plus!)

Too bad his mom shows up and takes his T-bird away, sending Lady Talisa off to slice off some more feet while Cat Stark reminds Robb that he's already engaged to be married. And if Robb doesn't go through with his marriage to Lord Frey's daughter, then his honor as well as his military position both go down the tubes.

And then Robb gets the terrible news that Theon, the person he most trusted, has totally shafted him. Winterfell is captured, Ser Rodrik is dead, and the fate of Robb's younger brothers is unknown.

Because Robb's constant pushing South, inflicting all of those defeats on Tywin Lannister and his allies, has left him vulnerable at home. He's left Winterfell too lightly defended, with a young boy in charge, and now he's paying the price. Robb has a moment where he almost goes back home to deal with this himself, which might actually have the advantage of strengthening his defensive position and forcing the Lannisters to come to him.

Instead, he listens to Lord Roose Bolton of the Dreadfort — who, you might recall, is the same guy who advocated flaying prisoners a while back. Not a terribly nice man. Roose has a bastard son who's got nothing going on right now, so why not send Roose's bastard to deal with Theon and retake Winterfell? It'll be easy, and then Robb can stick to doing what he does best — making Tywin Lannister cuss his people out.

Of course, Robb got into this mess by delegating to Theon in the first place. But this time around, delegating will probably work out just fine. He's a king. It's what kings do. Right?

When you strike a king, does your hand fall off

I swear to the old gods and the new, they're including "Tyrion slaps Joffrey" scenes now, just as fan service. And I don't object one bit.

Since this season began, Tyrion has been warning everybody that the people are getting restless, thanks to all the starvation and overcrowding and misery caused by the war Joffrey started when he beheaded Ned Stark. Over and over again, everybody's acted as though "the people" are a figment of Tyrion's imagination.

And meanwhile, Tyrion has insisted that poor little Princess Myrcella would be safer if she was sent away to the peaceful land of Dorne, where all the wine comes from. (That's pretty much all we keep hearing about Dorne on this show, so far.) She can hang out in the vineyards and not have to worry about getting caught in a peasant uprising, or an attack on King's Landing by Robb Stark or Stannis Baratheon. For Tyrion's pains, Queen Cersei has vowed to take away the person Tyrion loves more than anyone or anything.

(And when Joffrey's little brother Tommen cries, he gets all huffy because princes don't cry — until Sansa quietly reminds him that he did. Sansa's not even hiding that she hates the King now.)

And yet, no sooner has Myrcella sailed off than Tyrion is horribly, psyche-scarringly vindicated, with an awful peasant riot.

It starts with a single bit of cowshit flung at Joffrey — who overreacts, somewhat predictably — and ends with crazed peasants tearing at everyone and everything within reach, raping the women and killing the High Septon. Joffrey persists in believing that he can just order his men to crush everyone, and it'll just happen, by magic. But none of the Kingsguard is wearing riot gear or packing canisters of tear gas, so Joffrey is shit out of luck. (So to speak.)

Sansa Stark nearly gets the worst of it, getting chased and cornered by four thuggish guys, while Tyrion vainly keeps calling for someone to rescue her. The Hound saves her at the last moment, but when Tyrion thanks him, the Hound scorns any notion that he did it for Tyrion — as if Tyrion could control or command the Hound. The Hound may be domesticated, but only for the service of Good King Joffrey. (Although the look on the Hound's face as he follows Joffrey up the stairs is pretty unmistakably disgusted.)

And that's when Tyrion hauls off and slaps Joffrey, saying that they've had vicious kings, and idiot kings, but "I don't know if we've ever been cursed with a vicious idiot for a king."

Because he's a vicious idiot, Joffrey probably isn't going to learn the right lesson from all this, about governance and needing at least some level of the consent of the people to rule. Like Prince Theon swaggering around a Winterfell that despises him, King Joffrey is under the impression that force alone can make people respect and obey him. He's willing to pay the iron price, and sometimes the gold price, but he's not willing to give people honorable rulership in return for their loyalty.

Meanwhile, Sansa Stark is left crying to an uncharacteristically stoic Shae, trying to understand why men she's never met would hate her. Sansa's already experienced lots of personal cruelty, but this is her first real taste of impersonal cruelty — something her sister Arya could tell her a lot about.

"Loyalty" killed Ned Stark

Arya gets the best line of the night, when she looks Tywin Lannister in the face and says that loyalty killed her father. Every scene between these two is a marvel, and putting them together so much is one of this show's great moves.

Only Arya knows that she's talking about loyalty to King Robert, and also to the truth about Tywin's grandchildren. In an episode that features Theon's disloyalty killing people, and Jon Snow's disobedience of orders possibly dooming the Night's Watch, it's sort of jarring to be reminded that too much loyalty can kill, too.

Arya has to make Tywin believe not just that she's a poor peasant girl, but that she 's been totally domesticated and inured to servitude, so he won't suspect her. At roughly the same time that Osha is convincing Theon that she really just wants her freedom so she can run wild, Arya is trying to maintain the pretense that she really just wants to be a servant. So she can be safe.

Arya nearly gives away the game several times this episode — once, when she reveals that she can read better than Tywin's right-hand man, Ser Amory Lorch. Another time, when she is serving wine to Lord Littlefinger, who knows her face perfectly well and almost clocks her a few times. And then finally, when she steals a piece of paper with info about Tywin's war plans, and gets caught by the illiterate Ser Amory.

(Oh and along the way, we learn that Jaime was dyslexic and Tywin taught him to read personally. And that Tywin is such a stony fucker because his own father was too weak and soft, and nearly lost everything.)

She runs away from Ser Amory, but there's not going to be any place she can hide in this locked-down castle if Ser Amory tells Tywin she was spying. At best, she'll be sent to be a hostage with Sansa. At worst, she'll be executed.

Luckily, she tracks down Jaqen, her master-assassin friend, who's willing to kill Ser Amory — in his own sweet time. Arya begs Jaqen to make it now, before Amory tells Tywin the truth... leading to one of the funniest death scenes put on screen in a long time, as Ser Amory falls through Tywin's door instead of stepping through it.

Daenerys is nothing without her dragons

And finally, this episode forcefully reminds us that Daenerys only has two assets working for her, so far from home and from her birthright. Her title as the last Targaryen is not particularly an asset, either here or probably in Westeros. Her noble upbringing is not an asset, when she's dealing with rich merchants who came from nothing and respect only wealth. Her fiery rhetoric about taking back what is hers doesn't particularly win her much of anything.

No, her only assets are her beauty, or more aptly her sexuality. And her dragons. Before she managed to hatch those dragons, she was just another beautiful woman with dreams of greatness. Now her dreams have partly come true, but only partly.

Xaro Xoan Daxos, her new best friend, takes her around to meet all the wealthy men of Qarth, and they all refuse to help her — although one of them does offer to trade one ship for a night in bed with her. She has a memorable rematch with the Spice King, who turned her away at the city gates and turns her away a second time, saying that her passion for retaking the throne is not an asset he can put in his ledger against a loan of ships.

When she's pushed to the wall, she falls back on talking about her dragons — the miracle of these petrified eggs coming to life and hatching in the fire. They're truly wild things, something that nobody has seen in centuries, and the fact that they belong to her is what makes her special.

So it's even more of a shock — especially to those of us who've read the books and weren't expecting it — when Daenerys goes home to Xaro's place and discovers that all her bloodriders are dead, and the dragons have been taken, by a mysterious hooded figure. Who is probably connected to those scary wizards who approached her a while back.

Because not only can you not hope to control wild things, but as long as you have to keep them in cages, anybody who wants to can steal them.

TINSELTOWN COMMENTARY 2

Magic Mike may be loosely based on Channing Tatum’s past as a male stripper (and Tatum proves it with his impressive dancing skills), but Tatum first burst onto the film scene in 2006 as a troubled kid from the wrong side of the tracks with some serious moves (even when he is keeping his clothes on) in Step Up. While Tatum has taken on drama (A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints), comedy (21 Jump Street), and being a romantic lead (The Vow), one thing has always been true – the guy can dance.

Step Up seemed like your typical dance movie based on two dancers, the classically trained Nora (played by Tatum’s now wife, Jenna Dewan) and break dancing Tyler (Tatum), but the dance chops  and chemistry of these two leads made ended up making the film a surprise hit at the box office. Directed by Anne Fletcher (who is also an accomplished choreographer) Step Up’s story not only resonated, but the dancing on screen was fresh and exciting.

With two choreographers (Fletcher and her long-time collaborator Jamal Sims) and two dancers (Tatum and Dewan) doing the commentary, the conversation inevitably focused on the dance routines and the music. But even the early chemistry between Tatum and Dewan (despite recording in two separate cities) still stood out and proves to be a sweet time capsule of the beginning of their relationship.

Step Up is a fun movie full of eye candy from the intricate dances to the attractive leads and the commentary works to further enforce and highlight this feeling.

Step Up (2006)

Commentators: Anne Fletcher (director/choreographer), Channing Tatum (actor), Jenna Dewan (actor), Jamal Sims (hip-hop choreographer)

• As everyone is introducing themselves and noting where they are recording from (Fletcher and Sims in Toronto, Dewan in Los Angeles, and Tatum in Austin), Tatum makes bad joke calling himself “La Tangerina” and saying he will be “doing everybody’s hair today.”
• Tatum did not get to see opening dance sequence until the film’s premiere and was “wildin’ out in the theater” when he saw it.
• The lead male balerino in the opening was one of the finalists in Season 2 of So You Think You Can Dance, Ryan Rankine.
• Fletcher wanted the opening to show the dichotomy and similarities of dance (in this case between hip-hop and ballet) because dance is basically expressed the same way no matter what style you may be performing.
• Nephew was the film’s music producer and had submitted the back of this intro music for the finale, but because they went with Kwame for the finale, they took this music and threw vocals from Petey Pablo over it to create what you now hear in the opening.
• Sims and Tatum started rehearsing Tyler’s dance we see at the house party in Los Angeles two weeks before going to Baltimore. It is a great introduction to Tyler’s character and Tatum has noted that sliding between the legs of the girl he was dancing with always terrified him because he thought he would accidentally knock her over.
• Fletcher noted that they shot almost all the dance scenes to the music you hear in the film, but the music in this scene was a replacement. They had originally shot the scene to T.I.’s “Bring ‘Em Out” and changed it to T.I.’s “Get It” in the film.
• Tatum laughed that in the scene of the three boys – Tyler, Mac (Damaine Radcliff) and Skinny (De’Shawn Washington) – walking down an alley, one of the camera men had to write an arrow on their shirt to show Washington which way to run because he kept going the wrong way.
• Fletcher said the window the boys break was actually already broken because “someone” thought it was a good idea to use a slingshot to break it.
• When Tyler throws feathers into Mac’s face while vandalizing the theater, Tatum clarifies that he says, “Ninja blind,” but no one in the room seemed to understand what he is talking about.
• The guard who tackles Tatum during this scene was a stunt guy and Tatum noted he was, in fact, “very strong.”
• Fletcher said they shot the courtroom scene in an actual courthouse in Baltimore and it was “creepy” because people were coming in and out and actually getting arrested right in front of them.
• Everyone laughed that Tatum looked like a giant next to his foster mom.
• Fletcher noted that they changed the song Tyler listens to his in his headphones about “62 times” while Tatum was more concerned that he looked cross-eyed in the scene.
• Fletcher pointed out that every frame of the movie was shot in Baltimore because she thought the city was beautiful and eclectic.
• Dewan said one of her favorite shots was Tyler’s first day at the Maryland School of the Performing Arts and seeing all the different types of dancers and art school students walking the halls. Fletcher said this is really what art schools are like (tons of creative kids everywhere), but she hated the trio of singing girls that pass around Tyler and wondered why she kept hanging on to that shot.
• Hip-hop violinists Nuttin But Stringz are seen performing “Canon in D” in the hallway (Fletcher fell madly in love with them after seeing them on Ellen) and are also featured in the film’s finale.
• Step Up‘s Director of Photography (Michael Seresin) played the janitor Tyler gets assigned to as an “intern” to work off his community service hours.
• Fletcher also played one of the school’s dance teachers, Miss Stephanie, who directs the dance class where we first meet Nora.
• Fletcher said she hated the line, “Love a man in a uniform,” that Lucy (Drew Sidora) says when she sees Tyler for the first time, but agreed that Sidora delivered the line well.
• Sims said they re-worked the entire parking lot dance shortly before they shot it and when Tyler starts unbuttoning his coveralls Tatum joked, “He’s gonna strip!” Oh Tatum – how you speak of the future.
• Fletcher changed the name, age, and ethnicity of Lucy’s boyfriend up until they filmed the scene when Sidora first mentions him in the movie. This tendency to constantly change things was brought up again when Dewan explained that Nora’s back-story would change daily, but it allowed her to explore every aspect and version of her character.
• Mark Ronson submitted the song that plays over the basketball scene for Sidora to sing in the club, but since it didn’t work there, it was instead used it here. Fletcher clearly worked to use all the music brought to her, even if it did not work for the scene the artist originally submitted it for.
• Fletcher neglected to work out the logistics of the lift between Tyler and Nora so when the day came to shoot it, they spent an hour in front of the entire crew trying to work it out – even going so far as to try the Dirty Dancing lift before finally settling on the lift you now see in the film.
• When Tyler knocks over a picture in Director Gordon’s (Rachel Griffiths) office it actually was an accident, but Fletcher thought it was hilarious so she kept it in.
• The scene of Nora rehearsing as she waits for Tyler was done to a thump track instead of music and Tatum chimes in that he hated the thump track.
• Fletcher notes that in the scene with Tyler calling Nora’s routine “boring” they (most likely meaning the studio) wanted something more likeSave The Last Dance with Tyler gyrating to spice things up. But in keeping with the tone of the film being more accurate to how dancers work things out and less showy for entertainment’s sake, the scene went with went with something less obvious, but still sexy.
• When Nora listens to a song Miles (Mario) sent her on her phone, there was no song playing when they filmed it as it had yet to be temped in, but the beat Sidora and Dewan bobbed their heads to ended up matching perfectly the song they put in later.
• While the dance rehearsal montage was not meant to be funny, Tatum worked in moments of humor and Dewan admitted that in some moments she was honestly laughing at him and not acting.
• Tatum and Alyson Stoner (who played his foster sister, Camille) improvised their entire scene with the cereal, which felt like a true brother/sister moment – very natural and sweet.
• Dewan said they changed the context of the rooftop scene (her dad died, her mom died) so many times it was hard for her to get into the right character headspace. Tatum said the scene was also hard for him because he killed a bird that day. He was kidding, but he does throw something into the water at the beginning of the scene and it does look like it hits a bird.
• Tatum complained that the shirt Dewan was wearing for the lifts in the rooftop scene was insanely slippery and compared it to holding a “wet water balloon.”
• Fletcher points out that Nora’s hair goes from curly to straight when she storms upstairs to confront Brett (Josh Henderson) and jokes that Nora was so angry her hair straightened itself out. Oh, continuity.
• Fletcher and Sims created a brand new line dance to make the moment in the club when everyone starts dancing to the same choreography more believable since most people know or can catch on quickly to line dancing (rather than a less realistic, complex choreographed scene.) Sims can also be spotted in this scene dancing in the black fedora and leather jacket.
• Tatum loved that he had to pretend he did not really know how to do the dance until he finally got to bust a move and show off his skills when the guys and girls separated to opposite sides of the floor.
• Sims jokingly asked if the first on-screen kiss we see between Tyler and Nora was the first time Tatum and Dewan kissed. Fletcher jumped in to say that their first kiss was actually the final scene since they shot the end of the film first, but I think we all now know what Sims was hinting at.
• The HUGE glass of orange juice Camille hands Tyler was made extra large on purpose for comedic effect. It was originally supposed to be a cup of coffee, but Tatum wanted a glass of orange juice.
• Tyler was originally named Derek and was going to be a singer, but this was a script change Fletcher was happy they made so both Nora and Tyler were dancers instead.
• Sims asked Tatum point blank if being cast as one of the leads in Step Up, a role where he was required to act and dance, was intimidating and Tatum confirms that it definitely was, but it was also the first time Fletcher was directing and the first time Dewan was acting so he did not feel alone in breaking new ground.
• There was a near tragic accident when Tatum was attempting a flip during the final dance and fell directly on his head. Luckily he was fine and did not break his neck (and Sims added did not have to watch his career end in front of his eyes.)
• The final scene backstage was a re-shoot since the film originally ended up with Tyler and Nora on stage, but audiences wanted to know what happened to the two after the big performance so they added in this additional scene at the end.

Best in Commentary

“I want her – but not in a weird way!” Tatum on working with his much younger co-star, Stoner.

“That’s so gross! Let’s talk about the Corn Pops.” – Tatum trying to change the subject to a bowl of cereal in the scene when everyone starts talking about his butt.

“It’s Snora.” – Dewan mocking her ADR.

“You saw a tear? She wasn’t just brushing her teeth or washing her hair? She wasn’t doing underwater basket weaving?” – Tatum filling us in on some of his ad-libbing (and continuing to show off his comedic chops).

“Don’t touch me, Sean Paul!” – Washington yelling at an extra who resembled the singer as he stormed down the street.

Final Thoughts

While the commentary did not give too much hard hitting insight into the film (outside of the technical aspects of the choreography and funny moments on set) it is clear that these four had a great time working together and it was easy to get caught up in the fun they were having reliving their time on-set together. And even though Step Up is not billed as a comedy, the commentary (and certain moments in the film) prove that Tatum has a true talent for giving a comedic performance (as many learned earlier this year with 21 Jump Street) with many of the funnier moments in the commentary coming from him.

It is interesting to see Tatum at the beginning of his career (and his relationship with Dewan) and how this movie truly did change his life. This may have been Fletcher’s first time directing, but she has gone on to direct more successful films like 27 Dresses and The Proposal while Dewan has helped pave the way for more dancers to break into acting with dancers like Julianne Hough and Kenny Wormald getting lead roles in films like last year’s Footloose remake.

And if you are a female dancer looking for good outfits, both choreographers and Dewan gushed over Nora’s rehearsal outfits throughout the film.

REEL SEX 72

Ladies and open-minded gentlemen, this is the weekend for which we have been waiting ever so patiently. Years of watching our fellow sisters remove clothing and undulate for the good of “story” has finally paid off, and we will have our day in the sun. Our fearless prince, directorSteven Soderbergh, has reached into the depths of his vast (yet dwindling) bag-o-tricks and presented us with a simple masterpiece that has been on the tip of wagging tongues for months. Magic Mike is the product of a genius, and while it isn’t a perfect film, Soderbergh’s dedication to objectifying his male cast is reassuring and welcomed. It is about time ladies get a fluff movie that isn’t about shopping, shoes, or relationships, but instead two hours of glorious female gaze.

These men are hotter than this Texas drought I’m currently suffering through, and I appreciated every moment I had with them. But what makesMagic Mike something of dreams is the film’s playful self-awareness that it is, in fact, meant to be a sort of man droolfest. Soderbergh knows what he’s doing, and instead of alienating his audience he embraces them, offers up a beer, and presents six sexy, shirtless men on a platter for the world to see. I’m sure a discussable plot is in there somewhere (and I will leave that to our film review), but I am more interested in reflecting on a handful recent films that paved the way for this glorious moment of shirtless wonderment.

Crazy, Stupid, Love.

A film about strippers is undoubtedly campy, yet its earnestness is admirable. Last year’s Crazy, Stupid, Love. shares a similar sweetness withMagic Mike when it comes to objectifying its male lead. Dan Fogelman’s script asked for the hunky Lothario, Jacob Palmer (Ryan Gosling), to not only remove his shirt but to also be subjected to Hannah’s (Emma Stone) commentary aimed directly at his 6-pack. When she exclaims “what are you, Photoshopped?” she speaks for us all. Self-aware moments like this break the sexy tension amongst characters, but it also reminds the audience to put their tongues back where they belong—in their mouths.

New Moon

Let’s be honest, Stephenie Meyer just gets teen girls. She does. The film adaption of the second Twilight book, New Moon, is a perfect example of this. While Meyer had little to do with the final script Melissa Rosenberg pieced together, her ideas contributed to one of the more sexually exploitative (and hilarious) scenes in recent memory. I’m always curious to know how the table read of the infamous motorcycle crash scene went down, but I assume it was met with a lot of sideways glances and teenaged eye-rolling. Because, duh, a sweaty, discarded v-neck is the only reasonable thing to use on a tiny head wound. Regardless, the moment Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner) rushed to the rescue of his vampire-loving best friend, Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart), and saved her life by removing his shirt is enticing until you realize Lautner was 17 at the time. No matter what those Twi-hards and their Twi-moms say, that’s just uncomfortable.

Thor

Thor is a more recent entry into my DVD collection (now available on Netflix Instant, you’re welcome), which is a bit pathetic to admit considering my personal admiration for shirtless Nor Gods and their pesky younger brothers. However director Kenneth Branagh made the film worth the wait by squeezing in five seconds of sheer shirtless deliciousness when he filmed Thor (Chris Hemsworth) walking from one room to another in nothing but low-slung jeans. Darcy Lewis’ (Kat Dennings) said it best: “He’s pretty cut.” I doff my hat to you, sir Branagh.

Fight Club

Sexual objectification may not be your first thought when Fight Club pops up in polite conversation (why not?), but it’s hard to ignore the piles and piles and piles of ripped, shirtless men. If the tables were turned and these were scantily clad ladies beating the shit out of each other feminists and fetishists would declare Fight Club a cinematic sexual fantasy (see, Sucker Punch). But these are men, and their war against each others’ faces is meant to portray regaining control and power through chaos. But that doesn’t mean we can’t appreciate the sweaty, bloodied torso of Tyler Durden (Brad Pitt).

300

This list isn’t complete without the godfather of female-gaze films, 300. I have never been shy about declaring my superficial love for Zack Snyder’s 2006 adaptation of Frank Miller’s graphic novel, but this film paved the way for filmmakers to willingly capitalize on the exploitation of men. From the sculpted King Leonidas (Gerard Butler) down to the retched looking Ephialtes (Andrew Tiernan), Snyder presented a varying buffet of male bodies of which to covet. Spartan men usually fought close naked, so Snyder intended to accurately depict his characters in their battle gear. And I, for one, am ever thankful.

Obviously it’s impossible to capture everyone’s favorite shirtless scenes in one small list, so please leave your picks below.

JUNKFOOD CINEMA 29

Welcome back to Junkfood Cinema; even our coach potatoes are fried and covered in gravy. You have flopped yourself down on to the Internet’s second most comfy food-based movie column; damn you, Lay-Z-Boy’s Overstuffed Film Blog. Every week, while barely moving at all, we rerun another bad movie that always manages to get low ratings…everywhere…from everyone. We will flip through all the reasons for its poor reception and then, interrupting our regularly scheduled snark, we turn the volume way up on our irrepressible love for said movie; hoping to make you laugh until it megahertz. Then we bring you a message from our sponsors, morbid obesity, and offer a junkfood item paired to the film.

This week’s episode features a lost gem of a middling early 90s comedy: Stay Tuned. The film stars John Ritter (damn you for taking him from us, god) and Pam Dawber as a married couple whose relationship is on the rocks thanks to Ritter’s obsession with television. He literally can’t turn himself away from the TV long enough to notice he’s married to 90s-hot Pam Dawber for crying out loud. One night a terrifying figure appears at his doorstep, and not just because he’s played by Jeffery Jones. Spike, as he is called, is an agent of Satan and offers Ritter a satellite TV package so affordable it’s criminal…in fact it’s pure evil. In short order, the unhappy couple is sucked into the diabolical broadcasting system known as Hellvision through their satellite dish; sort of a reverse Terrorvision. They must then survive twenty-four hours of death traps, monsters, and bad hell puns centered on classic TV, early 90s shows and commercials, and the occasional movie that would turn up on the ol’ boob tube.

We get everything from Northern Overexposure to The Fresh Prince of Darkness!

I unabashedly love this ill-conceived, barely-functioning pun casserole. Ritter is just as funny in schlock as he is in anything of a higher caliber, and if you don’t laugh heartily at the Three’s Company reference, you may not have a soul…in which case you’ve already lost. Plus, how often do you get a music video from Salt-n-Pepa sewn into the narrative of your film? Never! That’s…probably for the best! This is a movie that is absolutely hurting for a remake. Shut up, it IS totally hurting for a remake. With that in mind, we’ve put together a lineup of shows for the new Hellvision. If you can think of a better way to spend our time, leave us alone, dad!

Dancing on the Stars

An amateur dancer/damned soul is partnered with a third rate celebrity and then launched onto the molten surface of the nearest star. Sure, the drama may not be as potent, but you can be guaranteed an explosive elimination every time.

If we may suggest the “celebrity” cast for the first season: Rush Limbaugh, Kim Kardashian, Justin Bieber, and Charlie Sheen. Though somehow we can’t shake the feeling that Sheen would survive and just keep showing up season after season.

Actual Mad Men

Set in the 1960s on Madison Avenue, Actual Mad Men is a hard-hitting, highly fascinating drama about advertising executives…who kill people and eat their flesh to obtain the power of a Sumerian god. The girls of the steno pool don’t last long in this office, and this time around it has nothing to do with the wanton sexual harassment.

Don Ripper, a partner at Surly Shooter Ripper Vice, uses his position to jet-set around the world; wooing prospective clients and leaving a trail of stylish, gruesome death in his wake. His schedule of sacrifices is handled by Joan, his secretary/voluptuous vixen of darkness. The woman playing Don’s ex-wife is a little stiff, but at least in this version there’s a reason.

So You Think You Can Stab

Much like the TV we watch, Hellvision audiences just can’t get enough game shows. In this version of a purportedly popular program (alliteration: always awesome) the entire dance element in eliminated in favor of one-on-one deadly combat. The two contestants are tossed into a pit that slowly fills with water, and one must kill the other before they both drown.

Eventually, a knife is thrown into the pit to give the more tenacious of combatants the upper hand. It’ll be bloody, it’ll be savage, and it will be hosted by Ryan Seacrest…on retainer from Fox.

How I Met My Maker

Five quirky, late-twenty-somethings living in New York are but the pawns in protagonist Dead Mostly’s long-winded recollection of his eventual successful suicide, after many failed attempts. While his buds spend their time going to bars and having various sexual exploits, he stays at home and mixes prescription med smoothies. The comedy of the show is that he’s such a loser, that he can’t even seem to off himself. What a dope! The rope holding his noose snaps, he keeps stepping in front of trains after they stop, and his aim is so terrible that he can’t even shoot himself.

He teases us several times, but we keep waiting for the series finally in which he finally gets what he wants. Just by reading this synopsis, you’ve now been put on suicide watch and will be contacted by mental healthcare professional…played by NPH.

Night of the Living Glee

On their way to Regionals, a high school glee club’s bus careens off a cliff and they are killed. Years later, a group of seniors are spending their last night before graduation in the local cemetery and accidentally perform an ancient incantation that resurrects the bodies of the dead.

Now not only are they being chased by ghouls out to devour their brains, but they must suffer eardrum-wrenching renditions of pop songs as these appear to be the zombies only form of communication. It’s bad enough that I have to run for my life, do I really have to hear an a cappella molestation of “Bad Romance” too? Oh no, they’re coming, I hear a cheap imitation of Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” screeching down the street!

The Jersey Shore

Somethings are evil enough as they exist in our world. This would be a simple syndication. Abandon all hope.

Junkfood Pairing: Ritter’s Frozen Custard

As this is the first appearance of the late, great John Ritter here at Junkfood Cinema, we thought the snack food pairing should be a celebration of this fallen hero. When I was growing up, in the metropolis of Indianapolis, Indiana (one of the best cities in…Indiana), the summer months meant no more school, cruising around town in my wife’s orange Ford Tempo, and the reopening of the Ritter’s Frozen Custard stand.

It was a glorious establishment that served the tastiest, most heavenly, most screw-you-Dairy-Queen frozen deserts I had ever tasted. While it is a franchise, I’m not sure how far south Ritter’s extends, but isn’t the drive worth it for John Ritter? And deliciousness?

CHARLIE CHAPLIN - 1916