When we at Junkfood Cinema heard that we had somehow again avoided outright cancellation, clearly an oversight on the part of hectically busy and woefully unobservant management, we decided to celebrate with another installment of the Junkfood Cinema Awards, affectionately known (read “irresponsibly abbreviated”) as The Junkies. Since this was our sophomore effort, we really wanted to flaunt our year-long incompetence with plenty of pomp and circumstance. We therefore hired a big time Hollywood director, one who had similarly proven his commitment to terrible films, to produce a garish, way-too-expensive, online awards ceremony. But then we had to fire him over some incredibly unsavory comments he made; something about rehearsals being for fatties. So instead, we’re just going to do the exact same crap we did last year. Enjoy.
The Junkiest Prime Number of 2011: 2
What the hell does that mean? First of all, just assume I’ve anticipated your asking that question of every single category or you may very well pass out from confounded sighing. 2011 was a big year for sequels here at JFC, with 8 total followups being canonized. We labored over this category for literally days on end; neglecting sleep, but never food. At first we seemed pretty keen on the number 3 (as in Scream 3, Final Destination 3, andJurassic Park 3–all featured this year), but it lacked the paradoxical irony of also being an even number; not to mention the political implications. Also, and much more likely the reason than that thing I just said, we actually covered five different part 2′s this year: Death Wish 2, Stepfather 2, Home Alone 2, Conan the Destroyer, andU.S. Marshals. Thank you, number 2.
Grossest Misuse of the Entire Screen Actors Guild: Dick Tracy
Seriously, there are more clueless, direction-free actors in this film than at a political rally and/or benefit concert for third-world countries in which they own beachfront property. Watching Dick Tracy is tantamount to attending one of those Eyes Wide Shut orgies (except way filthier) wherein every single attendee is riddled with shame and hiding their true faces under copious piles of makeup. Except Madonna of course, who is doing all she can to keep her face perfectly in frame…as well as her frame perfectly in your face.
Worst Understanding of the Basic Tenets of Law: Sylvester Stallone (Over the Top)
Stallone is a regular guest of our relentless mockery. In fact, his frequency of appearances saw him sharing 2010′s coveted Musclehead of the Year award with equally repeatedly mocked Austrian half-goon action hero Arnold Schwarzenegger. But in 2011, he opted for (lack of) quality over (embarrassing) quantity, appearing in the column only twice. However, in Over the Top, he exhibits enough brazen stupidity in one sitting to last through even the brainiest of winters. Not only does he subscribe to the concept that custody of his son can be obtained via the winning of an arm-wrestling contest, but he pursues this course in spite of the fact that he LEGALLY HAS CUSTODY THE ENTIRE TIME!!! *Face* *Palm*
Best Ambassador of Blaxploitation: Sho’nuff (The Last Dragon)
Here at JFC, we take blaxploitation very seriously, too seriously, and then uncomfortably seriously. Every year we designate February as Blaxploitation History Month, showcasing some of the best of this controversial b-movie genre as well as simultaneously proving just how white we really are. And yet, even with the likes ofSlaughter, Coffy, Black Belt Jones, and Dolemite turning up in February, our selection for the person most representative of the spirit of the subversive subgenre was featured in a movie written into the annals of our cyber tome of misery by guest author Adam Charles. The Last Dragon‘s Sho’nuff, the self-proclaimed Shogun of Harlem, is a modern day (and by modern day, I of course mean the 80s) version of Dolemite: a lyrical loudmouth with a fashion that can only be described as…visible.
Most Inane Phobia: The Color White (Blackjack)
Every hero needs a weakness, something to keep him (or her) grounded and vulnerable so that the audience can relate. For Superman it was kryptonite, for Magneto it was plastics, and for The Green Lantern it was evidently pacing and plot structure. So what was hero Dolph Lundgren’s Achilles Heel in John Woo’s Blackjack? The color white. That’s right, this Swedish man mountain is routinely foiled by…the presence of all chroma in the light spectrum. Classical conditioning notwithstanding, unless of course Jack was violated with a milk bottle by the Abominable Snowman, this seems a hilariously absurd choice for a foible.
Guest Contributor of the Year: Luke Mullen
As much as my heart, and my aversion to sleeping on the couch, tells me to go with my lovely wife who wrote not one, but two pieces this year, the numbers do not lie (except the ones on that bastard bathroom scale). Therefore, the clear winner this year is Luke Drago Mullen. Luke turned in a whopping six entries this year covering the greasy gamut from Pitch Black to The Mummy (daring choices, considering how easily sand gets stuck in his beard). Luke preformed more than admirably and proved without a shadow of a doubt that I am 100% obsolete. Honorable Mentions: Mrs. Junkfood, Adam Charles, and Kate Erbland. Photo courtesy of John Gholson’s Taking Requests.
Worst Indictment of Heavy Metal: Black Roses
Look, we are all well aware that heavy metal music is the dark lord’s most insidious weapon against the innocent followers of the Almighty. Well no, I take that back; it’s actually Angry Birds. But heavy metal is still pretty evil. And yet even I have trouble swallowing the anti-metal (so, pro-wood?) propaganda of 1988′s Black Roses. They actually insinuate that attending one heavy metal concert will make American teenagers (American teenagers who are Canadian, no less) fight, smoke, and have plenty of the sex; plugging their ears and singing as the world tries to remind them that these teenage indiscretions are also known side effects of…being teenagers. Thankfully, they also throw in as evidence rubber-boobed demon puppets and devil worshipers who use Yankee Candles in their dark, but pleasantly scented, consorts with Lucifer.
Best Represented Mythical Creature: The Dragon
In our ongoing efforts to each year have the federal government to certify one mythical creature as real, we’ve again failed. However, 2011 turned out to be a great year for dragons both cinema figuratively and cinema literally. We clocked a grand total of four dragon-related pieces. What’s more, we had a different author contribute each of the four dragon pieces…sounds like the plot of some terrible Shaw Brothers movie.Dragonslayer (by moi) and DragonHeart (by the lovely Mrs. Junkfood) featured “actual” dragons while The Last Dragon (by Adam Charles) and Kiss of the Dragon (via Luke Mullen) featured characters, of varying levels of Asian descent, nicknamed Dragon. It’s such a shame that we still live in a society under the control of a mythist government. Occupy Reality!
Most Apathetic Hero: Dan Haggerty (Elves)
“Grizzly” Dan “Grizzly Adams” Haggerty “Adams,” at some point after the cancellation of his television series about a man-ursine love affair, developed a terminal case of the DontGiveAShits. Now don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of put-upon cinematic “lifers” who stop giving each and every role their all. But there’s not busting your ass, and then there’s refusing to take the cigarette out of your mouth long enough to fight the gun-toting Nazi cultists trying to use an evil elf to spawn a race of supermen. So not only does Haggerty look like a homeless person they found at the bus stop minutes before shooting, but apparently his approach to the role was to embody a homeless person found at a bus stop minutes before shooting.
The Most Disgusting Junkfood Pairing Stuffed Inside The 2nd Most Disgusting Junkfood Pairing: A Ryan’s Buffet Stuffed Inside a Marshmallow Peep (Deep Blue Sea, U.S. Marshals)
It’s a good thing this category speaks for itself, because I have a serious challenge ahead of me. We’re gonna need a really, really…tiny Ryan’s Buffet.
If I had to pick two things that I just can’t get enough of in films, it would have to be a good underdog story and gratuitous physical violence. It is only natural then that I would build a humble list of some of my favorite moments in cinema where the two are combined.
When I think about what makes a fight particularly one-sided, it actually has less to do with the amount of people that the hero is up against and more about the hero’s strengths, or rather lack thereof. But then there’s always going to be an ‘awesome’ factor to think about, because when it is all said and done the hero usually triumphs against the odds – so the means in which they do such a thing is very important to me; being badass certainly has its merits, but in most cases, being creative is far more impressive.
12. Sherlock Holmes vs. Dredger
As a fan of the original Sherlock Holmes books I find it funny when people give this movie shit for its ‘out of character’ fight scenes. While we all know the character of Holmes to be some delicate funny hat-wearing man who solves puzzles while puffing on a pipe, this popularized image is actually far from the man in the original books. In fact, the Guy Ritchie version – while not perfect – is far closer to the anti-social, rollie-smoking cocaine-addict pack rat who had no qualms about throwing a fist or two that exists in the Sir Arthur Conan Doyle version.
This particular fight against a rather imposing Frenchman is especially fun due to the trial and error it takes both Holmes and Watson to eventually take him out – a cattle prod doesn’t stop him, a gun fails as well. In the end it takes the sheer strength of both heroes engaging in a two-man strangulation that eventually does Dredger in for good – and that’s only after the second time around. The first time around goes less well.
Best moment: When Dredger barrels Holmes like he’s freaking Donkey Kong.
11. Westley vs. Fezzik in The Princess Bride
Again with the little guy versus the big guy – and like before, this ends in a less-fatal strangulation. Look, we all know why this scene is awesome – we’ve seen our hero Westley take on the Cliffs of Insanity and show bad ass mercy toward Inigo Montoya, on top of this we’ve no doubt fallen in love with Andre the Giant’s brutally statured yet good natured Fezzik by this point – so neither of these people can die and surely they would normally get along, but they still must fight. When they do, it’s as silly, brutal, and as polite as we hoped it to be.
Anybody want a peanut?
10. Neo vs. Agent Smiths in The Matrix Reloaded
We all knew this fight was coming the moment we discover that Agent Smith has the power to replicate himself – and of course we knew that Neo could handle it. I think what we didn’t expect to see was how silly the whole ordeal ends up being – but when you think about it, why wouldn’t it be? There is really no way to have one character fight scores upon scores of doppelgangers of Hugo Weaving and have it not look stupid-hilarious.
I think the mistake is seeing this scene as anything intended to be a dramatic moment – but rather a joyous moment in cinema where we are allowed to watch Keanu Reeves literally walk on people before getting pig-piled.
9. Mani vs. Thieves in The Brotherhood Of The Wolf
Oh Mani. This blank faced Native American badass is too awesome for words – no, literally he is too awesome to speak in most of the scenes in this film. He just stares at you and processes your every move before slamming you without ever breaking a sweat. His introductory fight against roughly a half-dozen men with sticks doesn’t make any effort to hide the kind of kick-assery we’re about to be subjected to for the remainder of the film. Not to mention that he’s wearing a goddamned tricorne and ninja-style face covering trench coat the whole damn time he’s schooling these ruffians.
Seriously how can one guy be more awesome? Not only does he lay hands like a pro but also looks Matrix-cool the entire time!
8. V vs. Creedy’s Men in V For Vendetta
Oh it’s such a satisfying scene! Watching V not only have his revenge, but actually getting to carry it out through such a vicious choking out is a perfect finale to the sharp carnage he has just inflicted to the futilely-armed room of men now bleeding out in the gutters around him. The best part is that on most days and with most people, Creedy would have been absolutely right in his assessment of the situation beforehand; more often than not firing a good ten rounds into a person will pretty much take care of things – but in this case, V had rage on his side. By far the greatest moment is when it’s all over, and V finally realizes that he’s not in the best shape.
7. The Bride vs. The Crazy 88s in Kill Bill Vol. 1
Violence. You know it’s going to be bad when the movie actually has to switch to black and white just to compensate for the copious gallons of human-juice that’s about to be spilled. Leave it to Quentin Tarantino to stick an all-yellow Uma Thurman in a Japanese dance hall and have her sword fight hoards of gang members dressed like The Lone Ranger. I’m honestly not even sure why they had to censor the red out of the scene; the whole thing looks like a Monty Python sketch to me. Fountains of blood aside, the scene really has more of a comedic feel to it than anything else – especially at the end when The Bride stands over a room wriggling with crying amputees and orders everyone to leave their limbs behind, as they now belong to her.
6. King Kong vs. Three Tyrannosaurus Rexes
What I love about this fight is that every moment when you think things can’t get worse, they inevitably do – first it’s one Rex, then two, and before you know it poor Kong is being snapped at by three hungry Tyrannosaurus Rexes as they snarl for his lady morsel of food. If that isn’t bad enough, the group all end up plummeting into a hanging battle as our damsel in distress dangles over inescapable ingestion. The final blow comes about in a moment of utter brutality when Kong literally crushes his final opponent’s skull. When all is said and done, retrospectively this whole ordeal seemed rather childish considering that they are all fighting over a meal that’s proportionately the size of a soft taco.
5. Dutch vs. The Predator
The Predator is just about the most badass villain you can have in a film – partly because he’s a giant claw-faced alien, but mainly because he has an almost Klingon sense of honor when it comes to fighting. What I mean by this is that if he respects his opponent he will take them on face to scary, scary face. This is what happens in the first film, but only after Dutch literally uses all of the Predator’s techniques against him – such as invisibility, projectiles, and tree dwelling. It’s his fighting spirit that finally makes the gloves come off, so to speak, as The Predator removes his weapons and mask and takes on Arnie alien-to-man. To this day, this character is the only one that I hold in my mind as a serious threat to any Schwarzenegger character out there, and I’m including The Terminator.
I bet there is some kind of clever transition to be made here, but I’m going to take the lazy route.
4. T-800 vs. T-1000 in Terminator 2: Judgment Day
The thing about the T-1000 is that it runs on a whole different level than our hero character. When you watch the first Terminator film you get to see how a trained solder handles the T-800 robot – by running his ass off. That’s really all you can do: shoot and run and hope that you find some convenient way to crush or blow the thing up. Then we have this film – Terminator 2 – and the same applies for the T-1000 villain: run and shoot and hope. But the catch is that the one doing all the running and shooting this time around is that very same model from the first one, this model which seemed indestructible before is running for it’s goddamn life in the second film. And when they are finally cornered and forced to fight – you see exactly why the T-800 has avoided this very situation; the T-1000 is a steamroller.
3. Indiana Jones vs. The Big Bald Nazi in Raiders of the Lost Ark
The world is already pretty tough on Indiana Jones to begin with – but then you have a scene like this. He just escaped from a room full of what is literally his biggest fear and now all he really wants to do is bounce this Nazi camp and out of nowhere this giant bald dude just strolls out of a hut and immediately starts pounding on him like there’s candy inside. Who the hell is this guy anyway? Why is he half dressed and why does he enjoy punching so much? Luckily he enjoys it so much that he completely forgets his surroundings, and if it weren’t for that it seems like there wasn’t much hope for our hero otherwise. It’s hard to even classify it as a fight, up until the end it’s more of an ass kicking.
Speaking of ass kicking…
2. ‘Jack’ vs. Tyler Durden in Fight Club
This is pretty much as one-sided as a fight can get, considering that our nameless narrator of the film is actually fighting himself. The scene is both cruel and hilarious as we watch the beating not just from the character’s perspective but also from the perspective of the security cameras, which show the sad truth of the matter. There is also one of the funniest moments of ass-handing-to when Tyler grabs at Jack only to get a single shoe, which he examines momentarily before wielding it like a club. The cherry, naturally, is the fact that the receiver of the beating is not wearing any pants. This whole ordeal seems hopeless in the end, as Tyler throws his opponent/himself down a flight of stairs. How do you even defend yourself from yourself? Luckily, in the end the narrator does find a way – a really, really desperate way.
1. Dae-su Oh vs. A Hallway Filled With Dudes in Oldboy
Okay. Best fight scene – you know what? Best action scene, ever. I know that it’s hard to find one scene and actually label it as the ‘best’ of anything – but for me, this really is it. First off, it’s one single three minute long shot, secondly the entire buildup actually comes to a freaking punch line at the end when Dae-su Oh finds himself grinning madly at an elevator full of thugs, who are clearly going to end up like the wailing bunch behind him. But mostly what makes this scene the best ever for me is that it is the only instant in a movie where one person takes on many and I actually believe it. When you see The Bride or Neo take on hoards of enemies it’s sure entertaining, but nothing about it actually reflects reality in the least, and deep down you just don’t really care about what you are seeing. The real reason for this is that most action scenes escalate in order to keep the audience interested – however this scene does the opposite, which is actually how you’d expect it to go in real life. As the hero takes on more and more people he becomes more and more fatigued, as does those he fights. In the end it’s almost awkward in that there is no resolving final blow, no witty lines – he just slowly limps away, hammer in hand. Oh yeah – the hammer… actually I think the hammer is probably what makes this scene the best… I mean… it’s a hammer. He’s hitting people with a freaking hammer.
So I’m almost certain that for every one I listed here there are ten I did not – after all, action and fight scenes are pretty much built on the idea that to every fight there is an underdog. I’d like to hear what ones I missed. Honestly I would.
As we all sit here at Reject HQ, gathered around an absurdly long, but incredibly imposing, table discussing what to do with the nuclear missiles we just “creatively appropriated” from a breakaway Russian republic, it occurs to us that 2011 was a great year to be bad. For every boring, dopey, goody-good hero that popped up on the silver screen, there was a brilliant, super cool, woefully misunderstood villain doing everything he/she/it could to thwart the zero hero at every turn.
So when Supreme Commander #1, better known to the world (and those pesky Avengers so they’ll stop blasting our lair) as Neil Miller, issued an official order (delivered by a specially-trained, fire-breathing, gun-toting alligator who lives in the moat) to construct a supersonic death ray…that assignment went to Kate “Femme Fatale” Erbland. But then I got asked to do this list of the 20 Best Villains of 2011, a decided promotion from my usual position as sinister cocktail-fetcher and cleaner of the diabolical gutters.
Voldemort (Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2)
*SPOILER ALERT* The ultimate lizard-faced, petulant man-child, Tom Riddle, had his final showdown with little Harry Potter this year. That Voldemort just got exponentially more dickish as the franchise drew to a close, as he destroyed a goodly portion of Hogwarts, killed nearly all your favorite ancillary characters, and even took down Hans Gruber. Hans. Gruber!
Professor Moriarty (Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows)
Sherlock Holmes and Professor Moriarty are as inextricable as fried food platters and heartburn. In Guy Ritchie’s mildly-anticipated sequel Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows, Jared Harris stepped into the shoes of this classic foil and absolutely nailed it. It takes a great deal of skill to put cocksure cocky cock Robert Downey, Jr.in his place.
Red Skull (Captain America: The First Avenger)
You have to admire Red Skull. On top of plotting his own world domination under the nose of, and then in fearless defiance of, Adolf Hitler’s quest for world domination, he also manages to battle Marvel’s most jingoistic pretty boy and look damn fine in a suit all despite suffering from the worst sunburn anyone has ever known.
Loki (Thor)
There was once a time when the greatest crime Loki, the Norse god of mischief, ever committed was supplying rubber-faced Jim Carrey with a wooden mask and subjecting all of us to one of the worst films of the 90s; no small trespass to be sure. But when Marvel finally produced a big-budget, big-screen version of Thor, Loki proved he could wreak havoc with the best of them. He proved it so well that the good folks at the Society for the Prevention of Diminishing Returns invited him back to be the villain in The Avengers.
Shen (Kung Fu Panda 2)
Gary Oldman is one of those actors who, for many years, was utterly chameleon-like in his complete submersion into his various colorful roles. In fact, there are people to this day who have no idea what Gary Oldman actually looks like. Thankfully, Kung Fu Panda 2 finally cleared up the speculation when they boldly revealed that Gary Oldman is in fact a CG peacock. As the sinister Shen, he helped Kung Fu Panda 2 excel not only as a family film, but as an action movie as well.
Goddamn Aliens (Super 8, Attack the Block, Battle L.A., Transformers 3, The Thing, The Darkest Hour, Cowboys & Aliens)
2011 was a tremendously bad year for intergalactic diplomatic relations. We could not go a month without our planet being besieged, attacked, or otherwise picked on by goddamn aliens. They tried killing us in the 70s (Super 8) and they tried killing us in the old west (Cowboys & Aliens). They tried destroying the London projects (Attack the Block) and they tried to level L.A. They sent giant, obnoxious robots, shape-shifting insidious CG blobs, and even invisible, wattage-sucking absurdities. Seriously, whoever has been flaming The Rest of the Universe on their blog, please apologize.
Sex (Shame)
Not all villains are tangible beings. Michael Fassbender proved that sex addition and the subsequent feelings of, wait for it, shame it fosters are just as crippling as having Magneto punch you in the balls while you’re trying to get your rocks off. Also, Fassbender played Magneto…we’ll get there.
Albert Brooks (Drive)
Ryan Gosling may have been the hipster hero of the year in the, admittedly sensational, Drive, but his skills behind the wheel, his proficiency for choosing super cool jackets, and his mastering of looking hot while chewing on a toothpick were matched beautifully by Albert Brooks’ pesky inclination toward vicious murdering. The final showdown of the two is an epic struggle of bloodletting and wills worthy of Akira Kurosawa. Still not as funny as his dad.
The Accountant (Drive Angry)
Is there anything not to like about Drive Angry? Shut up, internet, I wasn’t asking you. As Nicolas Cagehilariously sleepwalks through another whacked-out script he clearly didn’t read, William Fichtner has the audacity to wholeheartedly commit to an even more ridiculous role. As “The Accountant” he keeps turning up on Cage’s trail spouting staccato quips of brillance and moving like he’s contanstly on the verge of a Saturday Night Fever dance number.
Rose McGowan (Conan the Barbarian)
To be fair, Rose McGowan has never had to travel very far to land smack dab in the middle of Creepytown, but in this year’s remake of Conan the Barbarian, she takes it to a whole new, shower-requiring level. Not only does she boast the fairest complexion since Powder became a fulltime blogger, but her normally charming bloodlust is elevated to a degree completely beyond the pale (as again is her skin), and she has this suggested propensity toward incest. She should change her name to Rose McEWWWan.
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